Allow me now to guide you most gently out of the first week of July: those of you in America, lie on your side and listen quietly, finding pause only to burp out the last taste of your hotdogmatic overindulgences. Just focus on the voice — the beer is two days old and will make its way to the outer side of your pores eventually, I promise — and let me repeat — you are NOT going to always feel this way. And the ringing in your ears? It can’t possibly last much longer. And you really shouldn’t have eaten so much potato salad. But listen up; it’ll be okay.
Exceptional request, absolutely and with much pleasure: